Unsettle me in the truest way. I know when I let you in.. making my most vulnerable, hidden, and deepest part within me open to your touch.. instantaneous warmth and comfort, dance through me in the most beautiful way.
What the Lord is teaching me over this blessed Christmas break:
Choose to operate in the reassurance of HIS love, the remembrance of HIS grace, and the reality of HIS unshakable power.
One of the things I miss most about Haiti is the closeness I felt to God while I was there. Why I felt that way there, I am still unsure, and I don't even know if I can explain it right, but I do know I felt my Heavenly Father near to me every step of the day..more than I have ever before. When I try to understand why, part of me is drawn straight to the scripture in Matthew that points out the things and worries that can dominate the mind (6:30-33). Haiti stole my heart pretty fast and God's daily miracles I saw taking place over there stole my attention.
Coming back has been an adjustment. One reason I think so is because I stepped right back into a world of those things and worries that so easily dominate the mind. Atleast, for me they do.
So I prayed.
I brought the worries and anxieties I had about those barriers coming between us again and all my fears of losing that feeling of oneness I had been so infatuated with in Haiti.
It has been a consistent prayer of mine since I came home. Shortly after I first laid it all down, I heard my Father speaking to my heart so gently that night.
"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to Me."
I felt my mind leap with the questions of how."How, Lord? Can I do this? Can I keep from being fooled so easily this time around?"
"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to me."
The next couple of days were full of blessings. It was Christmas, time spent with family was warm, laughing to the point where it hurt was so refreshing, and boy was I getting lost in such a good book.
I was thankful.
And then I was reminded... Reminded to be on guard.
The sequence of warmth and laughs began to fade, and multiple pains and aches began to occur here and there. Nothing worse than your average spilt milk, I guess you could say, but every sensitive area of my heart seemed to be targeted and hit dead on. At the end of the day they were all accounted for. Feelings of failure, guilt, confusion, and fear had all piled up as the product outcome.
I began to feel angry. I hated that place. That place I made of such a small God. My mind began to fill full of ways I could escape from it and comfort myself.
Chocolate.
People.
Cheese sticks.
Online shopping.
"This isn't you anymore, Beloved."
Sitting up. Blank stare for longer than most. It's like I laid an opportunity out on the table for God to come in and comfort me Himself, but when He didn't snatch it up and rush in all in my precious timing, I took the liberty of doing it myself. Because I had remembered my anger. I clinched up in frustration muttering, "God why do you feel so far away??"
Feeling even more angry. I had decided. I rolled my eyes, threw back my covers and was heading for the kitchen.
You bet I came back with a huge glass of milk and a pack of Oreos.
Paranoid by my inevitable ability to stain so many things with food, I decided to sit on my floor and indulge in every moment of those delicious double-stuffed treasures. As I did so, about to open and dig in, I glanced beside me at my reflection in my closet's mirror doors.
There I was, in a very familiar place, I once knew so well.
Then I hear again,
"This isn't you, beloved. I made you for more, I desire for you so much more."
I eventually returned the pack of Oreos with the amount of damage I could've done that night still a mystery. Instead, I began to try and intentionally learn James 1:2.
"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."
"Consider it pure joy."
James knew that we would need to cling to this truth the most when we would most likely not be feeling pure joy. Therefore, he begins his teaching by telling us to consider.
In the midst of our trials today, we are going to be empty of feeling the joy, hope, encouragement, and strength that is fulfilling this verse-- we have to consider it.
Our feelings may very well be a valuable indicator of what we are facing, however, they must not dictate our decisions....just like my anger decided to go the Oreo route.
Dumb.
Consider it. Yes. Park my mind on the truth that my victory in this hardship matters.
I realize that I have to see the purpose of my struggle is bigger than myself.
It has to be about something more than just me.
My thoughts must not be wallowing in what I do not have, but celebrating in what I can have.
YES, James' teaching continues into the benefits.
He goes on on to inform us of the intentions for considering what we do not feel.
"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
(James 1:4)
Oh Father, this is exactly the heart of what I desire to find in life!
...being mature and complete, not lacking anything...
When I consider, I persevere.
When I persevere, I rejoice.
How good it is to consider the joy!! For it is then that I know I am capable and then...I feel.
I am confident there is a deeper purpose behind disciplined commitment.
So now my prayer is to be unsettled. To allow God to reach every part of me, at all times, in all circumstances.
