No,

But really-

Do you see it?

God is extremely faithful. 

Every time I have one of these revelations I just can’t believe it. As I look back on broken relationships and situations..or even fears and perceptions..and then I see where all those things are in my life now….it is a mouth dropping moment.

a moment of awe.

a moment of fearing the Lord. Yes, God, I am in awe of your beautiful work in my life.

Now, I am trying to look at everything in my life at the present moment. All the confusing situations, the unknown paths, current lessons, yada yada..I am anticipating and anxiously awaiting to see the beauty God turns them all into. I want to experience them different this time around, however. I want to watch them play out. Watch the beauty unfold right before my eyes.

I want to be awake to the incredible work my Father is doing in my life. My completely, undeserving, life.
 

Well, Well...

Just Call Me Columbus

“Yet we do not want to follow a Western, middle-class Paul who is so removed from the biblical Paul that children can freely disobey their parents and church members can justify racism. Our personal quest is to rediscover Paul so that we can imitate him as he imitates Christ.” -C.R.R.

I feel like we could take this same approach on many other aspects of the Bible.

To Ruminate:

What imitation(s) of mine need a quest of rediscovering.
 

Dream Illusion

“Don’t copy the behaviors and customs of this world..” -Paul the Apostle

Romans twelve. ——–Every other letter of his.

Paul challenges the pagan norms.

Do I?

To Ruminate:

The patterns of this world lead to the American dream.

A Parallel Food Trail

I am thankful for the small things today.

The small conversations, smells, journal entries, choices, tastes, all of it.

I am grasping more of how woven God is in absolutely everything of this world.

I used my Kavu bag for the first time since Haiti; i immediately fell right back into the deep passion of returning to that beautiful place again, simply by the smell coming off the bag, the paint splattered all over it, and the Germ-X crammed in the pocket. Slipping into a blank stare, I prayed-

“Thank-you Father, for that refreshing remembrance of the path you are calling me on. You orchestrated that paint to spill on my bag, my choice to clean everything out but that Germ-X, and you knew I would need to use this bag today. But more amazingly, You knew I would need that light today, right now. Thank-you. May I love You with my all today, just like You do me- everyday.”

God places things in our life so make our way back.

Just like following a food trail, we will only stay on the path if our eyes are open to what has been placed to show us the way. 

Lesson learned today:

We are our own light, when we don’t even see it.

Unsettled

Jesus, 
Unsettle me in the truest way. I know when I let you in.. making my most vulnerable, hidden, and deepest part within me open to your touch.. instantaneous warmth and comfort, dance through me in the most beautiful way. 

What the Lord is teaching me over this blessed Christmas break:
Choose to operate in the reassurance of HIS love, the remembrance of HIS grace, and the reality of HIS unshakable power.

One of the things I miss most about Haiti is the closeness I felt to God while I was there. Why I felt that way there, I am still unsure, and I don't even know if I can explain it right, but I do know I felt my Heavenly Father near to me every step of the day..more than I have ever before. When I try to understand why, part of me is drawn straight to the scripture in Matthew that points out the things and worries that can dominate the mind (6:30-33). Haiti stole my heart pretty fast and God's daily miracles I saw taking place over there stole my attention.
Coming back has been an adjustment. One reason I think so is because I stepped right back into a world of those things and worries that so easily dominate the mind. Atleast, for me they do.
So I prayed.
I brought the worries and anxieties I had about those barriers coming between us again and all my fears of losing that feeling of oneness I had been so infatuated with in Haiti.

It has been a consistent prayer of mine since I came home. Shortly after I first laid it all down, I heard my Father speaking to my heart so gently that night.

"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to Me."

I felt my mind leap with the questions of how.
"How, Lord? Can I do this? Can I keep from being fooled so easily this time around?"

"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to me."

The next couple of days were full of blessings. It was Christmas, time spent with family was warm, laughing to the point where it hurt was so refreshing, and boy was I getting lost in such a good book.

I was thankful. 

And then I was reminded... Reminded to be on guard.

The sequence of warmth and laughs began to fade, and multiple pains and aches began to occur here and there. Nothing worse than your average spilt milk, I guess you could say, but every sensitive area of my heart seemed to be targeted and hit dead on. At the end of the day they were all accounted for. Feelings of failure, guilt, confusion, and fear had all piled up as the product outcome.  

I began to feel angry. I hated that place. That place I made of such a small God. My mind began to fill full of ways I could escape from it and comfort myself.

Chocolate.

People.

Cheese sticks.

Online shopping.

"This isn't you anymore, Beloved."

Sitting up. Blank stare for longer than most. It's like I laid an opportunity out on the table for God to come in and comfort me Himself, but when He didn't snatch it up and rush in all in my precious timing, I took the liberty of doing it myself. Because I had remembered my anger. I clinched up in frustration muttering, "God why do you feel so far away??"

Feeling even more angry. I had decided. I rolled my eyes, threw back my covers and was heading for the kitchen. 

You bet I came back with a huge glass of milk and a pack of Oreos.

Paranoid by my inevitable ability to stain so many things with food, I decided to sit on my floor and indulge in every moment of those delicious double-stuffed treasures. As I did so, about to open and dig in, I glanced beside me at my reflection in my closet's mirror doors.

There I was, in a very familiar place, I once knew so well. 

Then I hear again,

 "This isn't you, beloved. I made you for more, I desire for you so much more."

Tears began to fall, and it was then that I knew, I had to rewrite my lines in the scenes of hardships.

I eventually returned the pack of Oreos with the amount of damage I could've done that night still a mystery. Instead, I began to try and intentionally learn James 1:2.
"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

"Consider it pure joy."
James knew that we would need to cling to this truth the most when we would most likely not be feeling pure joy. Therefore, he begins his teaching by telling us to consider.

In the midst of our trials today, we are going to be empty of feeling the joy, hope, encouragement, and strength that is fulfilling this verse-- we have to consider it.

Our feelings may very well be a valuable indicator of what we are facing, however, they must not dictate our decisions....just like my anger decided to go the Oreo route.

Dumb.

Consider it.  Yes. Park my mind on the truth that my victory in this hardship matters.

I realize that I have to see the purpose of my struggle is bigger than myself.
It has to be about something more than just me.
My thoughts must not be wallowing in what I do not have, but celebrating in what I can have.
YES, James' teaching continues into the benefits.
He goes on on to inform us of the intentions for considering what we do not feel.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
(James 1:4)

Oh Father, this is exactly the heart of what I desire to find in life!
...being mature and complete, not lacking anything...

When I consider, I persevere.
When I persevere, I rejoice.
How good it is to consider the joy!! For it is then that I know I am capable and then...I feel.

I am confident there is a deeper purpose behind disciplined commitment.
So now my prayer is to be unsettled. To allow God to reach every part of me, at all times, in all circumstances.

#perfectionprobs

Only a person who doesn't fail is a failure.

Hold on to learned lessons. Rarely will you learn something once and never find yourself in that situation again. Something I have to go back to quite often is the way to battle perfection and the belief of being good enough. 
When I first truly recognized how often I failed to be like Jesus, I began to think I would never be good enough to please God. I knew I desired and tried to be committed to Jesus more than anything, but I saw my actions, words, and attitudes were so far from perfect, I couldn't believe I was anything but a failure. 
I pinned myself as a spiritual failure- someone who didn't meet the requirements of a Christ follower. Constantly I worried, "Does God expect perfection in my daily walk? What about bad choices, my weaknesses, and countless mistakes? How long before He doesn't take me seriously?" It's like I feared God eventually putting me on the shelf, because I was always falling short of perfect. I recited Matthew 5:48 in my head over and over again- "Be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect," and oh was I so never perfect...
As my relationship with God grew through time, however, I began to see the intention behind that verse. The more I became to know Him the more I experienced His desire and love for me. I saw how He continuously pursued me, even when I was certain I had just played my last straw. My view of Him as a judge, measuring my every thought and move with perfection, had turned it to nothing but a compassionate, caring Father, who craves my love- just as I crave His. During my struggles to please Him, I found Him more and deeper. I found my need for Him, not just my desire for Him.
Today in this world, perfection is impossible to meet on your own. I wondered how Jesus could demand the impossible, until I understood what He later said --> 
"With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Mt 19:26, Mk 10:27
impossible, but HIMpossible.
Whatever God may command or demand us to be or do, He empowers and enables us to make it possible.

"You can't. He never said you could. But He can and He always said He would."

This is a lesson I have to go back to daily.

A person who fails is not a failure.
Only a person who doesn't fail is a failure.
-because they have yet to understand a relationship takes two.

My favorite love story

A beautiful piece to my fairytale dream is my mother's wedding dress. As I was watching her take it out of the plastic, I felt hesitant for a moment, thinking that all trying it on would do is make me impatient for a day worth waiting for so much.  I have a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day on the nightstand beside by bed. I look at it all the time hoping one day I will be able to say "I do" with a man as wonderful as my Dad, and look as beautiful as his bride did on that day. However, the hesitance was wrong, it made me see and want so much more.. When i saw myself in that very familiar dress, all I could think about was how much I look up to the woman in the picture. if I become half the woman she is, I would be more than I could ever hope for.

My Mom is a treasure –

Daddy's gift more precious than gold…

The blessing she is cannot be measured.

Her love for her family is nothing but bold.

Her love is also like that of my Savior

Who sacrificed His very own life

so we might find joy and laughter

In a troubled world of strife.

Momma's heart is like His, holding us close

No matter how far we roam,

And her arms are always open wide…

ready to forgive and welcome home.

From the moment we were born…

her hands have been busy showing us love

with Daddy, ourselves, and others

Even when weary and worn.

Whatever she must do she is ready to go

never asking or expecting what is truly fair…

I wonder if I will ever be able to thank her enough

For all her strength, love, and care.

My Mom showed me how to pray

For that child she loves so much,

For she knows the fruit of her vineyard…

Depends on the Master’s touch.

My Mom is a treasure 

Daddy's gift more precious than gold...

His love for her cannot be measured

But through the lives of her and the man He gave her

His story of love can be told. 

I love you, Momma.
I hope  I can wear your dress as meaningful and beautiful as you did.

Choose Love

You are most like Jesus Christ when you are in love.
I once read, "Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
Today love has become a mixed up term with little meaning. However, it is the greatest quality of all.
Don't lose sight of what matters most because of a feeling that tell's you "don't."
We must choose to follow our beliefs over our feelings.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

-1st Corinthians 13:7

Treasure this day, and treasure yourself. Truly, neither will ever happen again.

P4 Thirteen Style

Phil 4:13
A verse so often quoted but hardly ever believed.
It actually hinders us not to.

To confess means to agree.
Whatever we say, sends a message to our entire system.

When we say we can't, we affirm that we can't. It is that simple.

You cancel out what God desires to do for you.

Send a message worth receiving.

I will reach my goals.
I will win.
I am going to get well.
I am not giving up.
I will fight to the finish.
I will have enough.
I will get it done.
I will obey God no matter what.

I will, but He is the strength.
--all based on a relationship.

The Fear of My Past, part I

Today I learned from Joshua 1:1-9.

Just like Joshua, we have to deal with fear. Think about it; if Joshua was standing in front of God full of bravery and confidence, He would not have had to repeat, over and over again, for him to be courageous. You do not tell a courageous man to be courageous, that would be redundant. Therefore- I believe, Joshua, the mighty warrior, was standing before the Lord, shaking over what God was calling him to do.

In verse 3, God promised Joshua He would give him every place where he set his foot. 

You see, Joshua could not claim God's promise until he went and actually stood on it. In my words, God was basically saying, “You are going to go stand on it and take it, so I can give it to you.”

Our fruitfulness is in our promise land.

I feel as though for some people, at the end of their life, it is easy to hold God unfaithful for not ever seeing His precious promises fulfilled, but that is only because they never went and stood on them and claimed them.

The answer will never be because of lack of equipping, lack of talent, or lack of opportunity.

It will be because of fear and unbelief.

Choose the fear of missing God over the fear of doing.

I'm convinced, in order to live out what I have been freed from, I must remember what I have been freed from.

I am a tireless servant of God, dedicated to following His will for my life-- which is to share my downfall, both there and back, to offer the hope of God's rescue for anyone who may struggle with a related, seemingly hopeless, place of life.

I hope to offer a contagious desire of an intimate and deep relationship, with the most unfathomable God who never gives up on us, no matter how far down we have fallen.

Jesus loves me, this I know. I had been raised on those words for as long as I could speak them. However, I had forgotten that during my search for significance. It was a search for something I already had, which ended in turning my life song from,

Jesus loves me, this I know --> Jesus knows me, this I love.  

The Fear of My Past, part II

So. When the fears of my past tell me I can't, and I am standing in fear just like I picture Joshua was doing, I remember.

God's promise and provision. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

There are 3 significant things I have learned through doing so:

1. How to fall in love with Jesus.

By studying God's Word. I want to tell any girl I talk with to choose a Bible study and be all in it. Do the outside work, gather with other girls, and dig deep for answers. Ask God for a hunger and desire for His Word; a request God will never refuse. Whatever Bible study it may be, if it has the guidance of God's word—do it!

Matthew 13:11-12, I love how it talks about those who have been given Kingdom secrets, He gives more. That verse tells us, the more we seek after Jesus, the more He will reveal himself to us.

He will become a more triumphant and pure addiction.

2. Pray for what I lack.

More than lots, I pray for a desire and drive to be in His Word. There is nothing God wants more than for us to know Him.

3. Wrestle with the feeling of hopelessness.

Cry, scream, and break down about it. Let it out. But through your tears, let God's Word fill inside you.

Psalm 126:5-6 tells us our tears can bring us joy. We must trust our beliefs and not our feelings. That is why it is so important to know God's Word- So we can keep going, even when the world tells us it's hopeless.

We can give ourselves to something greater than painlessness—purpose. If we trust and persevere, we will eventually see the good through it; in us and others around us, while God receives the glory. Otherwise, God would have forbidden the downfall.

I don't have a testimony of a Proverbs 31 woman, and I won't be able to share a story of a pure bride. But I can tell people I love the Lord more than I will ever love a man, or anything else in this world. Not only does He satisfy my every need, but He also gives me purpose. He gives me the chance to serve Him by loving Him, while constantly telling me I am enough.

There are so many answers I don't have and so many things I don't understand. However, I can surely tell you this—If you place your hope in God, He will always....ALWAYS..place you where you can look back on your pain with victory and a thankful heart. You will stand stronger than ever and laugh in the face of your enemy.--You will thrive again.

Do not transfer an old fear to a new day.

Found Room to Breathe in Words Today

"When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;

He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.

The great "I Am" is with me, my life is in His hands,

The Son of the Lord is my hope, it's in His strength I stand.

I'm looking past all my circumstances, to Heaven's throne above;

My prayers have reached the heart of God, I'm resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything, my eyes are on His face;

The battle's His, the victory is mine' He'll help me when the race."

excessive reliance

It is much easier to stay with old problems, rather than seek new solutions. However, I believe life is truly found just one step outside your comfort zone. Therefore, we must trust and listen to our intuition, resting in the one who created it. If we choose otherwise, and listen to our mind, the same old answers it has been giving for years- will once again- leave us empty and behind. 

So the way I see it, we have two options; we can listen to our mind or listen to our heart.

Our paths are either going to come from a fount of fear, or a fount of love. 

By choosing fear, we choose ourselves, making every action a mistake. 

By choosing love, we use our heart, surpassing expectations beyond what we can think. 

So, rely on heart intuition, and let go of mindless self-ambition. 

I have learned and now know, our hearts have a way of making our legs go.

The days when I just don't want to

I think it is safe to say we all have those days when we wake up, take one look at the day ahead of us and dive straight back under the covers. 
As much as I wish I could claim that I don't have problems putting the Lord first every morning, I can't. I do not jump out of bed every morning eager to get into God's Word. There are plenty of days where I have to make myself spend time with Him. I was thinking about all of this the other day; I had just felt so guilty of those feelings lately.
I could not understand why it was so hard to love someone so lovable.
I sat down and began reading Jeremiah chapter 20 and, it is in that chapter, the Lord revealed to me everything I needed.
As I was reading it I realized that Jeremiah 20 seems more of a complaint than a prayer. It is quite personal and just like Job chapter 3, I was getting the feeling of listening in on something that I shouldn't be. Anyways, it clicked with me after I finished the chapter-- Jeremiah was showing us that we can and we must take our troubles to the Lord in prayer.
At one point, Jeremiah is physically, emotionally, and spiritually bent out of shape and he tells God all about it.
Even Jeremiah- a prophet of God- had times of dryness, wanting out.
No matter who you are, there are going to be times when it gets rough and spiritual maturity means to go into your closet and pour out everything to God--to be completely weak. 
A lot of times a cry is the most spiritually mature thing to utter. 
No talking about miracles, no talking about what things you have gained--but with empty, desperate hands crying: I don't understand, but I know You do!
There is nothing that tells the truth about us as Christians so much as our prayer life. 
Something I really learned form Jeremiah 20 is that spiritual maturity doesn't always live on the Mt. top.
So whenever you don't feel like praying, pray anyways. 
Honesty in our relationship with the Lord is the most healing thing of all.

What a man is on his knees before God, that he is- and nothing more. 

When the troubles won't stop

Pray even when you don't want to.

This is no promise that going to God will remove all pain and worry. That is way to simple of an approach to the situation. Paul's thorn in the flesh never went away even though he sought the Lord earnestly over and over again. The pain that Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane was not a taken away either; even though he longed for it to be. However, God pours out grace, the exact grace of steady perseverance, therefore we can endure whatever may come our way. We find His grace through the channel of prayer and the pouring out of our hearts to Him. This is all known answers to us, but it needs reminding over and over, because we are slow learners here.