Unsettled

Jesus, 
Unsettle me in the truest way. I know when I let you in.. making my most vulnerable, hidden, and deepest part within me open to your touch.. instantaneous warmth and comfort, dance through me in the most beautiful way. 

What the Lord is teaching me over this blessed Christmas break:
Choose to operate in the reassurance of HIS love, the remembrance of HIS grace, and the reality of HIS unshakable power.

One of the things I miss most about Haiti is the closeness I felt to God while I was there. Why I felt that way there, I am still unsure, and I don't even know if I can explain it right, but I do know I felt my Heavenly Father near to me every step of the day..more than I have ever before. When I try to understand why, part of me is drawn straight to the scripture in Matthew that points out the things and worries that can dominate the mind (6:30-33). Haiti stole my heart pretty fast and God's daily miracles I saw taking place over there stole my attention.
Coming back has been an adjustment. One reason I think so is because I stepped right back into a world of those things and worries that so easily dominate the mind. Atleast, for me they do.
So I prayed.
I brought the worries and anxieties I had about those barriers coming between us again and all my fears of losing that feeling of oneness I had been so infatuated with in Haiti.

It has been a consistent prayer of mine since I came home. Shortly after I first laid it all down, I heard my Father speaking to my heart so gently that night.

"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to Me."

I felt my mind leap with the questions of how.
"How, Lord? Can I do this? Can I keep from being fooled so easily this time around?"

"Be aware and be on guard, sweet daughter. Know that there are devised schemes to lure you away from your commitment to me."

The next couple of days were full of blessings. It was Christmas, time spent with family was warm, laughing to the point where it hurt was so refreshing, and boy was I getting lost in such a good book.

I was thankful. 

And then I was reminded... Reminded to be on guard.

The sequence of warmth and laughs began to fade, and multiple pains and aches began to occur here and there. Nothing worse than your average spilt milk, I guess you could say, but every sensitive area of my heart seemed to be targeted and hit dead on. At the end of the day they were all accounted for. Feelings of failure, guilt, confusion, and fear had all piled up as the product outcome.  

I began to feel angry. I hated that place. That place I made of such a small God. My mind began to fill full of ways I could escape from it and comfort myself.

Chocolate.

People.

Cheese sticks.

Online shopping.

"This isn't you anymore, Beloved."

Sitting up. Blank stare for longer than most. It's like I laid an opportunity out on the table for God to come in and comfort me Himself, but when He didn't snatch it up and rush in all in my precious timing, I took the liberty of doing it myself. Because I had remembered my anger. I clinched up in frustration muttering, "God why do you feel so far away??"

Feeling even more angry. I had decided. I rolled my eyes, threw back my covers and was heading for the kitchen. 

You bet I came back with a huge glass of milk and a pack of Oreos.

Paranoid by my inevitable ability to stain so many things with food, I decided to sit on my floor and indulge in every moment of those delicious double-stuffed treasures. As I did so, about to open and dig in, I glanced beside me at my reflection in my closet's mirror doors.

There I was, in a very familiar place, I once knew so well. 

Then I hear again,

 "This isn't you, beloved. I made you for more, I desire for you so much more."

Tears began to fall, and it was then that I knew, I had to rewrite my lines in the scenes of hardships.

I eventually returned the pack of Oreos with the amount of damage I could've done that night still a mystery. Instead, I began to try and intentionally learn James 1:2.
"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

"Consider it pure joy."
James knew that we would need to cling to this truth the most when we would most likely not be feeling pure joy. Therefore, he begins his teaching by telling us to consider.

In the midst of our trials today, we are going to be empty of feeling the joy, hope, encouragement, and strength that is fulfilling this verse-- we have to consider it.

Our feelings may very well be a valuable indicator of what we are facing, however, they must not dictate our decisions....just like my anger decided to go the Oreo route.

Dumb.

Consider it.  Yes. Park my mind on the truth that my victory in this hardship matters.

I realize that I have to see the purpose of my struggle is bigger than myself.
It has to be about something more than just me.
My thoughts must not be wallowing in what I do not have, but celebrating in what I can have.
YES, James' teaching continues into the benefits.
He goes on on to inform us of the intentions for considering what we do not feel.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
(James 1:4)

Oh Father, this is exactly the heart of what I desire to find in life!
...being mature and complete, not lacking anything...

When I consider, I persevere.
When I persevere, I rejoice.
How good it is to consider the joy!! For it is then that I know I am capable and then...I feel.

I am confident there is a deeper purpose behind disciplined commitment.
So now my prayer is to be unsettled. To allow God to reach every part of me, at all times, in all circumstances.

#perfectionprobs

Only a person who doesn't fail is a failure.

Hold on to learned lessons. Rarely will you learn something once and never find yourself in that situation again. Something I have to go back to quite often is the way to battle perfection and the belief of being good enough. 
When I first truly recognized how often I failed to be like Jesus, I began to think I would never be good enough to please God. I knew I desired and tried to be committed to Jesus more than anything, but I saw my actions, words, and attitudes were so far from perfect, I couldn't believe I was anything but a failure. 
I pinned myself as a spiritual failure- someone who didn't meet the requirements of a Christ follower. Constantly I worried, "Does God expect perfection in my daily walk? What about bad choices, my weaknesses, and countless mistakes? How long before He doesn't take me seriously?" It's like I feared God eventually putting me on the shelf, because I was always falling short of perfect. I recited Matthew 5:48 in my head over and over again- "Be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect," and oh was I so never perfect...
As my relationship with God grew through time, however, I began to see the intention behind that verse. The more I became to know Him the more I experienced His desire and love for me. I saw how He continuously pursued me, even when I was certain I had just played my last straw. My view of Him as a judge, measuring my every thought and move with perfection, had turned it to nothing but a compassionate, caring Father, who craves my love- just as I crave His. During my struggles to please Him, I found Him more and deeper. I found my need for Him, not just my desire for Him.
Today in this world, perfection is impossible to meet on your own. I wondered how Jesus could demand the impossible, until I understood what He later said --> 
"With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Mt 19:26, Mk 10:27
impossible, but HIMpossible.
Whatever God may command or demand us to be or do, He empowers and enables us to make it possible.

"You can't. He never said you could. But He can and He always said He would."

This is a lesson I have to go back to daily.

A person who fails is not a failure.
Only a person who doesn't fail is a failure.
-because they have yet to understand a relationship takes two.

My favorite love story

A beautiful piece to my fairytale dream is my mother's wedding dress. As I was watching her take it out of the plastic, I felt hesitant for a moment, thinking that all trying it on would do is make me impatient for a day worth waiting for so much.  I have a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day on the nightstand beside by bed. I look at it all the time hoping one day I will be able to say "I do" with a man as wonderful as my Dad, and look as beautiful as his bride did on that day. However, the hesitance was wrong, it made me see and want so much more.. When i saw myself in that very familiar dress, all I could think about was how much I look up to the woman in the picture. if I become half the woman she is, I would be more than I could ever hope for.

My Mom is a treasure –

Daddy's gift more precious than gold…

The blessing she is cannot be measured.

Her love for her family is nothing but bold.

Her love is also like that of my Savior

Who sacrificed His very own life

so we might find joy and laughter

In a troubled world of strife.

Momma's heart is like His, holding us close

No matter how far we roam,

And her arms are always open wide…

ready to forgive and welcome home.

From the moment we were born…

her hands have been busy showing us love

with Daddy, ourselves, and others

Even when weary and worn.

Whatever she must do she is ready to go

never asking or expecting what is truly fair…

I wonder if I will ever be able to thank her enough

For all her strength, love, and care.

My Mom showed me how to pray

For that child she loves so much,

For she knows the fruit of her vineyard…

Depends on the Master’s touch.

My Mom is a treasure 

Daddy's gift more precious than gold...

His love for her cannot be measured

But through the lives of her and the man He gave her

His story of love can be told. 

I love you, Momma.
I hope  I can wear your dress as meaningful and beautiful as you did.

Choose Love

You are most like Jesus Christ when you are in love.
I once read, "Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
Today love has become a mixed up term with little meaning. However, it is the greatest quality of all.
Don't lose sight of what matters most because of a feeling that tell's you "don't."
We must choose to follow our beliefs over our feelings.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

-1st Corinthians 13:7

Treasure this day, and treasure yourself. Truly, neither will ever happen again.

P4 Thirteen Style

Phil 4:13
A verse so often quoted but hardly ever believed.
It actually hinders us not to.

To confess means to agree.
Whatever we say, sends a message to our entire system.

When we say we can't, we affirm that we can't. It is that simple.

You cancel out what God desires to do for you.

Send a message worth receiving.

I will reach my goals.
I will win.
I am going to get well.
I am not giving up.
I will fight to the finish.
I will have enough.
I will get it done.
I will obey God no matter what.

I will, but He is the strength.
--all based on a relationship.

The Fear of My Past, part I

Today I learned from Joshua 1:1-9.

Just like Joshua, we have to deal with fear. Think about it; if Joshua was standing in front of God full of bravery and confidence, He would not have had to repeat, over and over again, for him to be courageous. You do not tell a courageous man to be courageous, that would be redundant. Therefore- I believe, Joshua, the mighty warrior, was standing before the Lord, shaking over what God was calling him to do.

In verse 3, God promised Joshua He would give him every place where he set his foot. 

You see, Joshua could not claim God's promise until he went and actually stood on it. In my words, God was basically saying, “You are going to go stand on it and take it, so I can give it to you.”

Our fruitfulness is in our promise land.

I feel as though for some people, at the end of their life, it is easy to hold God unfaithful for not ever seeing His precious promises fulfilled, but that is only because they never went and stood on them and claimed them.

The answer will never be because of lack of equipping, lack of talent, or lack of opportunity.

It will be because of fear and unbelief.

Choose the fear of missing God over the fear of doing.

I'm convinced, in order to live out what I have been freed from, I must remember what I have been freed from.

I am a tireless servant of God, dedicated to following His will for my life-- which is to share my downfall, both there and back, to offer the hope of God's rescue for anyone who may struggle with a related, seemingly hopeless, place of life.

I hope to offer a contagious desire of an intimate and deep relationship, with the most unfathomable God who never gives up on us, no matter how far down we have fallen.

Jesus loves me, this I know. I had been raised on those words for as long as I could speak them. However, I had forgotten that during my search for significance. It was a search for something I already had, which ended in turning my life song from,

Jesus loves me, this I know --> Jesus knows me, this I love.  

The Fear of My Past, part II

So. When the fears of my past tell me I can't, and I am standing in fear just like I picture Joshua was doing, I remember.

God's promise and provision. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

There are 3 significant things I have learned through doing so:

1. How to fall in love with Jesus.

By studying God's Word. I want to tell any girl I talk with to choose a Bible study and be all in it. Do the outside work, gather with other girls, and dig deep for answers. Ask God for a hunger and desire for His Word; a request God will never refuse. Whatever Bible study it may be, if it has the guidance of God's word—do it!

Matthew 13:11-12, I love how it talks about those who have been given Kingdom secrets, He gives more. That verse tells us, the more we seek after Jesus, the more He will reveal himself to us.

He will become a more triumphant and pure addiction.

2. Pray for what I lack.

More than lots, I pray for a desire and drive to be in His Word. There is nothing God wants more than for us to know Him.

3. Wrestle with the feeling of hopelessness.

Cry, scream, and break down about it. Let it out. But through your tears, let God's Word fill inside you.

Psalm 126:5-6 tells us our tears can bring us joy. We must trust our beliefs and not our feelings. That is why it is so important to know God's Word- So we can keep going, even when the world tells us it's hopeless.

We can give ourselves to something greater than painlessness—purpose. If we trust and persevere, we will eventually see the good through it; in us and others around us, while God receives the glory. Otherwise, God would have forbidden the downfall.

I don't have a testimony of a Proverbs 31 woman, and I won't be able to share a story of a pure bride. But I can tell people I love the Lord more than I will ever love a man, or anything else in this world. Not only does He satisfy my every need, but He also gives me purpose. He gives me the chance to serve Him by loving Him, while constantly telling me I am enough.

There are so many answers I don't have and so many things I don't understand. However, I can surely tell you this—If you place your hope in God, He will always....ALWAYS..place you where you can look back on your pain with victory and a thankful heart. You will stand stronger than ever and laugh in the face of your enemy.--You will thrive again.

Do not transfer an old fear to a new day.

Found Room to Breathe in Words Today

"When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;

He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.

The great "I Am" is with me, my life is in His hands,

The Son of the Lord is my hope, it's in His strength I stand.

I'm looking past all my circumstances, to Heaven's throne above;

My prayers have reached the heart of God, I'm resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything, my eyes are on His face;

The battle's His, the victory is mine' He'll help me when the race."

excessive reliance

It is much easier to stay with old problems, rather than seek new solutions. However, I believe life is truly found just one step outside your comfort zone. Therefore, we must trust and listen to our intuition, resting in the one who created it. If we choose otherwise, and listen to our mind, the same old answers it has been giving for years- will once again- leave us empty and behind. 

So the way I see it, we have two options; we can listen to our mind or listen to our heart.

Our paths are either going to come from a fount of fear, or a fount of love. 

By choosing fear, we choose ourselves, making every action a mistake. 

By choosing love, we use our heart, surpassing expectations beyond what we can think. 

So, rely on heart intuition, and let go of mindless self-ambition. 

I have learned and now know, our hearts have a way of making our legs go.

The days when I just don't want to

I think it is safe to say we all have those days when we wake up, take one look at the day ahead of us and dive straight back under the covers. 
As much as I wish I could claim that I don't have problems putting the Lord first every morning, I can't. I do not jump out of bed every morning eager to get into God's Word. There are plenty of days where I have to make myself spend time with Him. I was thinking about all of this the other day; I had just felt so guilty of those feelings lately.
I could not understand why it was so hard to love someone so lovable.
I sat down and began reading Jeremiah chapter 20 and, it is in that chapter, the Lord revealed to me everything I needed.
As I was reading it I realized that Jeremiah 20 seems more of a complaint than a prayer. It is quite personal and just like Job chapter 3, I was getting the feeling of listening in on something that I shouldn't be. Anyways, it clicked with me after I finished the chapter-- Jeremiah was showing us that we can and we must take our troubles to the Lord in prayer.
At one point, Jeremiah is physically, emotionally, and spiritually bent out of shape and he tells God all about it.
Even Jeremiah- a prophet of God- had times of dryness, wanting out.
No matter who you are, there are going to be times when it gets rough and spiritual maturity means to go into your closet and pour out everything to God--to be completely weak. 
A lot of times a cry is the most spiritually mature thing to utter. 
No talking about miracles, no talking about what things you have gained--but with empty, desperate hands crying: I don't understand, but I know You do!
There is nothing that tells the truth about us as Christians so much as our prayer life. 
Something I really learned form Jeremiah 20 is that spiritual maturity doesn't always live on the Mt. top.
So whenever you don't feel like praying, pray anyways. 
Honesty in our relationship with the Lord is the most healing thing of all.

What a man is on his knees before God, that he is- and nothing more. 

When the troubles won't stop

Pray even when you don't want to.

This is no promise that going to God will remove all pain and worry. That is way to simple of an approach to the situation. Paul's thorn in the flesh never went away even though he sought the Lord earnestly over and over again. The pain that Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane was not a taken away either; even though he longed for it to be. However, God pours out grace, the exact grace of steady perseverance, therefore we can endure whatever may come our way. We find His grace through the channel of prayer and the pouring out of our hearts to Him. This is all known answers to us, but it needs reminding over and over, because we are slow learners here. 

For Those Who Don't Have It

Jesus Calling could not have been more perfect for me today- thought I'd share.

WEAR MY ROBE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

with ease, I custom-made it for you, to cover you from

head to toe. The price I paid for this covering was

astronomical- My own blood. You could never

purchase such a royal garment, no matter how hard you

worked. Sometimes you forget that My righteousness

is a gift, and you feel ill at ease in your regal robe. I 

weep when I see you squirming under the velvety

fabric, as if it were made of scratchy sackcloth.

I want you to trust Me enough to realize your

privileged position in My kingdom. Relax in the 

luxuriant folds of your magnificent robe. Keep your eyes

on Me, as you practice walking in this garment of

righteousness. When your behavior is unfitting for

one in My kingdom,  do not try to throw off your royal 

robe. Instead, throw off the unrighteous behavior.

Then you will feel at ease in this glorious garment,

enjoying the gift I fashioned for you before the 

foundation of the world. 

I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am life a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels. -Isaiah 61:10

For God made Christ, who never sinner, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with the God through Christ. -2nd Corinthians 5:21

Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God- truly righteous and holy. -Ephesians 4:22-24

A Post with Few Words

Reunited with my best friend and exploring iMovie maker equals a fun blog post.

Life Verse Lesson

I have always been in love with Proverbs 3:5-6. It has been the verse on the tip of my tongue and the one I could probably quote backwards for quite some time. 

Today I realized because I know it so well, I think I tend to look over it from time to time. 

Therefore, I wanted to rediscover it's beauty. 

Honestly, how much pain and misdirection could we avoid if we trusted in and were constantly confident in our God's awesome love for us??

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own..."

What trouble could we avoid if we went to the all-knowing King for daily direction and wisdom instead of fretting, worrying, and being anxious? 

"...In all your ways acknowledge Him..."

There is always a rainbow in every picture you create with God. Therefore, there is always a promise. 

"...and He will make your paths straight."

Today the Lord really reminded me to

LIVE MORE OF WHAT YOU KNOW. 

Blogging at a Nursing Home

Be determined to handle any challenge in a way that will make you grow.

I have never had any experience with Nursing Homes until just recently. While I was in Kentucky my Papaw made the big move. Therefore, since I have been back, it is now a place I am beginning to become more familiar with.

I always knew this time would come; when he would no longer be scootin around the house, or reading the newspaper for hours on the couch. However, I never thought it would come this fast.

As I sit by him now, all I can think about is how fast life goes by.

When I left for camp, papaw knew who I was. Now, he just knows my face, and as far as the name goes- sometimes I'll get as close as Trixie.

I watch him forget my mom, who is his very own daughter, and I even watch him forget his own self.

I keep thinking how hard this whole process has been on my family. Through all of this I remember, Physical strength is measured by what we can carry; spiritual by what we can bear.

I also remember that happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

Every day I pray that the Lord is preparing a place for my papaw up in Heaven with Him. I am choosing to look at this as the good life getting closer instead of slipping away.

The Alabaster Box

AMEN Matt Chandler!

A Cliche of Truth

Life is all about taking risks.

While reading Hebrews tonight the truth behind that saying really hit me. 

If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.
Faith is everything. 

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. ¹⁴ Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. ¹⁵ If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. ¹⁶ But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." -Hebrews 11

Say Cheese

I love watching this girl pursue her passion.
She has taught me many things; however, there is one she never lets me forget.
Whether it is by her actions or words, she constantly reminds me--


Life is like photography-
you develop from the negatives.


Thankful for you, Camille Hooper.

thought on my mind today

Looking at the things so important to me.
The things I spend most of my time with or on.
The things that take my energy.

What if they were taken away?
How would I be affected?

Security is basing one's life on that which cannot be taken away.

Am I building my life on what makes me secure or insecure?

Lady of Security.

Living in a Pretend World

I've been thinking-

A person lives a huge part of their life in a pretend world. 

Really though. In a day itself, we daydream, let our imagination wonder, play the "what if" game, and avoid the reality more than anything. 

Lately, I have been learning a lot about limitations and how we love to put them on absolutely everything;

whether it is people, prayer, goals, situations, dreams, communication-- I don't know...anything.

We are always placing an end or maximum on things. ----Why??

When I was battling depression and an eating disorder, the way I described life was a perfect picture of a being lost. 

I remember writing multiple times in my journal that "reality is a prison."

If I was to accept my reality that meant getting better was hopeless, I would never be perfect, I would never be enough, and love was a packaged deal with heartbreak. 

Therefore, if I was to live in the world, in other words- except reality, than I would hate my life all the same. 

So what was the point? I began to ask myself that more and more. 

Reality is what eventually drove my desire to live away completely. 

You see, the limitations I had placed on myself, and on life, nearly ended my story with a tragedy. 

That is not OK. 

Everyone is either a prince or princess of God's

- therefore, everybody has a happy ending. 

Seeing the bigger picture now, I love how it all fits together.

Remembering the darkness of seeing reality as a prison, I realize how I was putting major limitations on reality itself. 

The world's reality is as far as I would let my mind wander. 

The world is what told me I would always have an "eating disordered mind."

The world is what told me I was not what perfect was.

The world is what broke my heart into pieces. 

Here is the ULTIMATE REALITY CHECK.

There is rest, comfort, healing, hope, truth, answers, joy, peace, forgiveness, wholeness, ETC, beyond the world's reality that we fail to look past a lot of times. 

God is our Greater Reality.

He, Himself.....the entire package is in HIM.

When we have God living inside our hearts, we begin living the ultimate fairy tale with the ultimate happy ending. 

Building a relationship with my Greater Reality has shown me how much more there is beyond what the world can give us.

The world told me many things, I chose to look past it and now look-

I overcame an eating disorder, depression, addiction, and so much more.

My mind has been renewed.

I see how perfect God has made me.

My heart is whole and treasured. 

#boom.
Exactly what the  world told me was impossible. 

Ever since the Garden of Eden, people have often felt they could and should know as much as God. That is what we do when we dream anyways. Therefore, a great amount of our pain throughout life is a result from dependence on our wisdom rather than on God's.

Consider His  hope and faithfulness in comparison to our dreams and outcomes -

In which are you going to trust??

Stop putting limitations on things. 

Let your mind wander. 

Think beyond what you can see.

Choose to live your happy ending. 

Like I have said before, 

Hope is the dream of a soul awake. 

Dreamers live in a pretend world- they have already chosen that it will only be a dream.

Let's be real, dreams only come true in fairy tales, we all know that- so don't just dream--hope!

Does the world even know what hope is?

Maybe they would if there were less dreamers.

Have hope that your Greater Reality can and WILL make all things possible.

And I promise you, better yet- HE already has promised you!- It will come true:)

Embrace the rainbow.

Be more than just a dreamer. 

Our Greater Reality is capable. 

Check it.

Driving School Curriculum

I strongly believe there is meaning behind every story, every word, every motive...everything. 

And when the meaning is not obvious or evident, I tend to find my mind searching and creating it myself. 

Does that make since?

I'm a thinker. 

I love to people watch. 

And I love to find beauty and purpose in anything. 

Yesterday, I got to spend 4 hours in Driving school.

I know, I know, how did I get so lucky?-- simple. California roll a stop sign on campus and you'll get your chance:)

Anyways- let's be real... I was in and out of that lecture like crazy. My mind was anywhere and everywhere, but there; exams, my sister's engagement party (that was currently going on), lunch, when I was going to sleep next, diet coke, cats, you know- the usual.

The only thing I could tell you was, I learned that eighteen-wheelers have 6 blind-spots. 

I may have heard more he had to say if it wasn't for my wandering mind. 

However, I am ok with missing what was said, because I like where it ended up this time. 

God speaks. 

Anywhere and everywhere. 

Mr. Nicely, the instructor and owner of Nicely Built construction ( I found that so fabulous haha), asked us a question that spoke loud and clear to me. 

He said, "Seriously, if you know someone is 3 times as blind as you are, why would you ride along with them?"

Now, technically he was talking about driving near one on the interstate, 

but I heard something totally different. 

My mind left driving school completely.

Friends have such an influence on one's commitment to God.

If we spend most of our time with people who are not on the same commitment level as we are, growing is not only hard, but maybe even impossible sometimes. 

Don't get me wrong, by no means am I saying the only people you should hang out with are those who are as devoted as you are--how else would we build relationships, reach out, or share the Gospel to others?

I am talking about those who influence us

those we call our best friends

those we hang out with on a regular basis.

So many cliches were running though my mind--

             You are who you hang out with.

             You can't follow the wrong and be right.

             Hang out with dogs, catch their fleas. 

             What you do is who you are. 

And so-on..

It made me think if others were influencing me more than I was them-

and if they were, in what direction was the influence? 

One of growth or blindness?

Or, in what ways were my influencing taking them?

We tend to be naive and think we are either strong enough to never let someone change us; or that it is not that big of a deal, no worries, it'll never happen.

Newsflash.

Sometimes the biggest change is the hardest to see-- until it's too late. (trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt) 

And yeah, maybe we can stand our ground, but that is all we are doing. 

We aren't called to just stand. We are called to run the race and that requires continuous growth.

In order to do so, we need influences who will sharpen us.

As I was sitting in class, evaluating the whole influence aspect in my life, I noticed it relates to one of my favorite questions I like to ask myself daily-

Does my commitment to the Lord make others question their commitment?

Get's me thinkin eveytime.

Mr. Nicely's question may not have been anything new and mind blowing, but it was definitely some food for thought.

And ya know, sometimes simple is the obvious we need, to eliminate the hard that is hidden. 

Thank-you Camille Hooper for being my Proverbs 27:17.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.- Proverbs 27:17

Gracie Tay

Of all the creations of the Almighty,
there is none more beautiful,
none more inspiring,
than a lovely daughter of God,
who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so,
who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth--

my little. 

A beautiful blessing. 

She's going to do big things.

Realization #3

It wasn't me broken in pieces.

It was the devil's work towards me that was broken. 

I Must Eliminate

Realizations. 

That awesome moment when they hit you.

Sometimes it feels like you just solved the problem of world hunger, and other times it can feel like you have just been slapped in the face, or maybe its a time when you wonder if anyone else saw your heart drop to your stomach. 
Given there are also those of the "oh, duh, wow I feel dumb' feeling. 
Regardless, realization moments are just solidly awesome. 
They are the end of something and the beginning of something at the same time. 


I wonder how many times I have realized the same thing over and over again.


Here's a twist.
Today, I had a realization that I've had a realization.

Awwwkkkwaaard.


2 to be exact.


These past 2 weeks have been 2 of the hardest weeks I have ever gone through. With the lack of sleep, crazy hectic to-do list, and all the other normal priorities of life, I was in desperate need of God's strength; relying strictly on Him to get me through every minute of every day. 


The point it is, when your days are literally calling for every ounce of energy you've got and requiring you to stand tall through it all...there is no room for nonsense. 
There is not even room for a battle with nonsense. 


I think there are sometimes when I forget truly how victorious God really is.
Yes, He can and will fight my battles for me.
BUT. What I tend to forget is this-
There doesn't even have to be a battle!
God is victorious before it even begins, I just choose to fight with it.
(realization 1)
Final exams haven't even began yet-- I don't have time to fight.
And so it clicks.
Don't.
I have a victorious God, who reigns over ALL.
Refuse to fight Lexi--- it's the easiest way to win--another incredible gift from above that only requires choosing. 

I decided to claim victory.
Just because I didn't have time to fight with these things should not be the only reason not to. I should never want to deal with them even the slightest bit--because I don't have to!

Simply say no.
Refuse battles.
With God, you are on the winning side.


(realization 2)
Whatever might reshape the picture of God's desires,
whatever may cloud my focus of the purpose He has for me, 
whatever could distract, deceive, or temp others to seek anything but the Lord Jesus Himself, 
I must eliminate.


Falling in love with my Greater Reality.
The journey of reckless abandonment. 

like whoa

Look down at the Small- Stand up for what's big.

The most incredible things happen in your life, when you say yes to God. 
The most unexpected and unbelievable things happen in your life, when you say yes to God. 
If I was to sum up my entire Christian faith into 1 word, I believe I would choose surrender. 
In all reality, that is what surrender means- saying yes to God. 
By doing so, I wake up and start my day, with the confidence that I believe God knows what's best for my life-way more than I do, and I am willing to trust Him with anything and everything that comes my way.
By saying yes to God, I am willing to go along with what I understand to be His plans for my life. 
Saying yes also does another thing-- it causes me to have to say no to myself. 
Because in all honesty, what gets in my way everyday is myself. 
When I get in the way of a specific thing God is calling me to do--yeah, that's when it gets real dangerous. 
For the past week I have danced around both, saying yes to God and saying no to myself. I honestly don't know why...maybe I thought if I just didn't answer it exactly, the right answer would just happen. 
News flash. It doesn't... 
All God was trying to do was answer what I have been praying like crazy about. Talk about being stubborn sally. 
Answering yes, meant leaving a ministry I love so much. 
Answering yes meant walking away from something so promising and comfortable, and walking into something so blind and new.
WAKE UP LEXI- that's what you're called to do!
ha-oh yeah it is isn't it? That whole surrender- faith thing I have been rationalizing..that's awkward.
Finally, I stopped playing dumb.
I sat in my room, closed my eyes, and focused on nothing but my breathing. I eventually had no thoughts, worries, or desires running through my mind. All I could get out was, "Yes. Okay God. I am ready to hear what you have to say."
Needless to say, God has never been so clear and evident in my life before. 
When I said yes, things started happening.
Multiple prayers were answered and all day I caught myself asking, "Is this real life?" 

God. is. faithful.--when you think He's not, you're not letting Him be.


The more I think about what God has shown me this past week, I realize how saying yes is the door through which knowledge and love enter my mind.  


Learn to say no to the good- so you can say yes to the best.

Focus Me Diligent

dil·i·gence

¹    [dil-i-juhns] 

noun

1.

constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.

2.

 . the degree of care and caution required by the circumstances of a person.

My prayer is to become a lady of diligence for the Lord. 

 We cannot have diligence without a dedicated, devoted heart to the Lord.

 The quality of diligence comes out of a heart and life that is committed to "presenting our bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God... and transformed by the renewing of our mind, so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect". --Romans 12:1-2

I wish I could make them see

Ladies--
It's not who you are that holds you back,
It's who you think you are not.

Believe in yourself.
God does.

You are more important and beautiful than you will ever realize.

You are loved.

Today.

Nothing takes the past away like the future.--

Something that has been ringing in my head all day today.

I know it may not make sense whatsoever, or sound oddly weird, when it comes to how I break things down and view it; I know it may be different, but I find beauty in different; And God's reminders are the most beautiful thing to me...

There are days when I can't seem to shake away life's distractions or struggles; and that is when it's almost like a layer of fog surrounds my hope.

Hope is everything to me. Hope is what changed me. Hope gave me a purpose. Hope is my strength. Hope is the reason I smile today.

My hope, is my Jesus.

The fog keeps me from seeing the rainbow that I have been promised.

Fog is something I have to learn to admit. It's all too easy to hide it behind a smile.

And ya know... it is okay to show weakness. It's healthy. It's normal.

Don't hide a layer of fog behind a smile...because before you know it, it will be multiple layers.

When we hide behind a smile, we convince ourselves that we are okay-- And on those days that we just can't shake it, the rainbow we convinced ourselves that we once saw, seems like it was all a lie. Then we doubt hope. And we dream of the past.

There was a point today that I caught myself dreaming. I thought I was going to be sick because my heart was breaking all over from the re-runs and absent butterflies.

All I could get out was, "God, get me off this roller coaster. I thought it was over...please."

Then I smiled.

Needless to say, God woke me up from that dream right then and simply reminded me of all the other many times I have been faced with this so-called "fog."

Smiling is inevitable when I think about those times.

I couldn't believe I had let myself wonder how long I was going to be pulled down by this struggle, even the slightest bit.

God is so faithful.

And for that I am thankful.

The rainbow ALWAYS shows up where there is hope.

Sprint into the unknown--because after we choose to and we take off with the first step, hope shines through-- and it never fails.

I am not saying it is going to be easy.

But--I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

Hope is the dream of a soul awake.