The Reason I Smile

The hardest battle you will ever face is the battle with yourself.
Throughout the past 4 years of my life I have faced hardship after hardship, fought in battle after battle.
I fell down and picked myself back up more than I ever thought was possible, and sometimes, the space between falling down and standing back up would feel like a lifetime.
I battled many demons through those 4 years, and still have to fight them off every single day. I walked down the path of an eating disorder, depression, addiction, and even suicide. With my Bulimia, it was my way of punishment for not being perfect. I did everything I could to become somebody’s perfect person. I became addicted to running because it helped me relieve some of the stress I put myself under and of course, it was another way to lose weight. I thought if only I could be smaller, maybe they will love me more. After all, the perfect girls live happily ever after, right? However, I could never meet that standard of perfection (because it doesn’t exist), and I sank into a state of deep depression. There was nothing that could get me out of bed, no one I wanted to talk to, or anything that could make me smile. Therapy wasn’t fixing me fast enough, my anti-depressants weren't working, it seemed like nobody understood, and my world was crashing in on me....fast. Depression eventually turned into cutting. And when that wasn’t enough pain to mask my real problem, I just wanted to die. I remember the day that I knew my strength was completely gone like it was yesterday. I had thought all day on how I could end my life. Which way would be easier, what would be less painful for my parents, and what would be the quickest. I was completely serious about each one of those plans, and that scared me more than anything ever has in my life. I was scared to death of myself. That night, around 3 am, I was so broken I knew if I was alone for another minute I was going to do anything I possibly could to end all the pain. The voice in my head had complete control over me. I ran into my parent’s bedroom and just collapsed into my mother’s arms and begged for help. My mom held me and told me one thing that changed my life. She said, “Lexi, please..Christ has His arms around you right now, He loves you so much.” That was the night I embraced my sweet savior back and I haven’t let go since.
Like I said, I still fight those demons off everyday, but now I fight them off with the help of my God. Every morning I put on His armour. It is how I started today, and it is how I will start tomorrow.
Now, I can’t fathom the fact that I ever thought the way I did about myself. I let the desires of this world slowly break me until I couldn’t be broken anymore. Lots of people say when you struggle with these things, you will deal with them for the rest of your life; or that the eating disorder mind never goes away. To me, I think that is a load of bull. During my treatment, when I would hear those things, I would get so discouraged. .Until my Jesus showed me anything was possible with Him. He told me He would never leave me and as long as I lean on Him, I can overcome ALL.
Because of HIM,
I know I am beautiful.
I know I am perfect in His eyes.
I run with a purpose, I run for Him.
I go to Him as my stress reliever.
I get out of bed so I can show people what He has done for me.
I want to talk about Him all day er’day.
Because of HIM…I smile.
I will always have that “voice” in the back of my mind that was once so loud and so convincing. But I have learned to quiet the voice, I have learned to reject the voice, I have learned to replace the voice with God’s truth.
What is God’s truth? It is that I am a child of His. Therefore, He loves me more than I will ever be able to understand. It means I am already completely accepted and fully pleasing in His eyes, and nothing else matters. It means I am beautiful because I was created by Him and because He lives within me.
What baffles me the most today though, is that I thought that path was it for me.. that that was all my life meant to entail. Yesterday, I dug into the story of Joseph and all that God has to show us through him. Joseph suffered for 13 years before he knew what God’s purpose was for it all. Joseph persevered, obeyed, and kept abiding.
The dark moments in our life will last only so long as is necessary for God to accomplish his purpose in us.
We don’t see it but God sees it, because He sees our life from beginning to end.
So, when I begin to ask God why, during those times it seems like it is always raining on me.. why did He give me this, take away that, or why did I deserve any of that, I remember His purposes.
1. He is preparing us for our future.
2. Dark moments require we keep our focus on Him. He is building our faith.
3. He is conforming us to the likeliness of Christ, training us to be a strong leader.
We have to remember, if we are living for another purpose, other than His, we will be disappointed.
His love for us does not eliminate the pain and heartache, but it does guarantee us that all of it will be used for His glory and our good.
I promise you that he still cares, hold on just a little bit longer, it is gonna make you stronger.
Try and do the best you can. Fall into His arms.
I look at the past 4 years of my life as a true blessing from Him. I am not ashamed of anything I went through, or careful at holding some of it back because it is my story of what He did for me. When I stopped trying and started trusting, my life was changed.
He is the reason for all my joy.
Father, Abba, my precious King..
You bleed your love and gave me life, no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me the way you do. Rid me of myself and fill me with your holy spirit. Thank you for my sufferings and thank you for your blessings. I give you complete control over my life, Lord, because I know that I am nothing without you. I pray that I find beauty in everything, even my bad days, because I know you are with me wherever I am. Thank you for accepting me, when I am so unacceptable. Thank you for saving me.
I love you with all my heart.
Your daughter,
Lexi